Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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