My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
