Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
