when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
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I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
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Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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