My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
