I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
