if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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