I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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