I hate your face
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
