I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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