im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
