Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
