At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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