I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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