you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
