sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
