I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
