I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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