Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
