Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize
