saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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