I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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