why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
