to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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