Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize