When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
What drink are we having for lunch?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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