Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
