2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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