Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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