this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
