the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
