I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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