For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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