You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
