I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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