I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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