i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
