It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
