I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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