I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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