last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
