im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
