Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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