In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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