i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize