Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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