Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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