I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
