Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
