Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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