I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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