At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I look excited, but its just a facade.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
