My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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