You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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