Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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