my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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